Welcome to Torahlectures.org

People Need Respect

 

A certain young man whom I was very close with, and whom I helped a great deal, was getting married.  Before the wedding he asked me if I could be an עד קידושין, one of the two witnesses to the kiddushin under the huppah. 

 

Now among Ashkenazim, serving as an עד קידושין is considered a great honor, but here in our community, being invited to recite one of the berachot under the huppah is a far greater honor.  And I have to say, in all honesty, that I felt hurt by the boy's decision to ask me to be a witness instead of reciting one of the blessings.  As mentioned, I was very close with this young man.  I helped him grow in his religious observance, and I even helped him in the process of dating and getting engaged.  I felt slighted over not having received a berachah.

 

Was I being petty and childish?  Was this just my ego going too far?

 

I think that the Gemara teaches us the answer.

 

In Masechet Ketubot, the Gemara discusses the case of a person who was very wealthy, and was accustomed to a comfortable, luxurious lifestyle, until he lost his fortune and became poor.  The halachah in this case, surprisingly, is that the people must not only give enough charity to provide him with his basic needs – but also provide him with the comforts and amenities that he was accustomed to.

 

So much so, the Gemara tells, that in the time of Hillel, there was a wealthy man who used to ride in a carriage with someone running ahead of him, and after he fell into hard times, Hillel ruled that he should be provided with a runner.  When the people could not find somebody willing to do it, Hillel himself ran in front of this man's carriage.

 

It goes without saying that arrogance and conceit are exceptionally bad qualities from which a person must distance himself from.  But there is a huge difference between arrogance and a sense of respect.  People need to feel respected.  This is a basic human need that we must all acknowledge.  There is nothing arrogant or egotistical about wanting to be respected.  And in some situations, failing to receive honor hurts. 

 

If a person worked very hard to plan an event, for example, and at the event, the speaker acknowledged everyone who volunteered their time except that person, that person will be hurt.  This isn't because of arrogance – it's because it's embarrassing.  The person feels disrespected.

 

And this is true also of a Rabbi who is very close with the groom.  There is a certain expectation of honor – and when that respect is not shown, it feels embarrassing.  It hurts.

 

Parashat Naso begins with Hashem commanding Moshe, נשא את ראש בני גרשון גם הם – to count "also" the people of Gershon, the Leviyim who descended from Levi's oldest son, Gershon.  In the previous parashah, the family of Kehat – the middle of Levi's three sons – was counted.  Kehat was counted first because they were in charge of the most sacred articles in the Mishkan, so they had the more distinguished job.  Now, when the time came to count the family of Gershon, Hashem emphasized גם הם – that they, too, must be given honor and respect.  As the children of the oldest son, they naturally expected to be treated with honor.  And since that honor was not given, and instead the middle son, Kehat, was counted first, Moshe needed to find a way to compensate, to show Gershon honor and distinction so they would not feel embarrassed or disrespected.

 

This is so important for us to realize in our relationships, and in all our interactions with people.  People need to feel respected, the way they need oxygen.  It's a basic human need.  People need to feel respected so they can feel important, that they matter, that their lives are significant and meaningful.  This isn't arrogance.  It's a basic human need.

 

In every relationship, we need to ensure to make the other person feel respected.  We need to realize that their need for respect isn't childish or petty – it's normal.  It's human.  And we must fill that need.

 

When we speak to people and treat them with respect, we help bring out the best in them.  We remind them that they matter, that they have something beautiful and crucial to give to the world – and once they acknowledge that, they will go ahead and make sure to make that beautiful contribution. - Rabbi Joey Haber

​

https://itorah.com/weekly-inspire/people-need-respect/15/31406