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When We Don’t Get What We Pray For

 

I cannot tell you how many people – youngsters and adults – have told me that they have stopped praying, or have even stopped being observant, because they prayed for something and did not get what they wanted.  This is a challenge that everyone faces at some point – and often many times over the course of life – and it has, unfortunately, led many people to give up on tefillah or on mitzvot generally.

 

But this challenge is based on a fundamentally mistaken approach to prayer.

 

People believe that prayer is about getting what we want.  When we have some kind of problem, or when there is something that we're lacking, we pray to Hashem so He will solve the problem or give us what we need.

 

But this is not what tefillah is about.  The Gemara tells us this explicitly.

 

In a passage that I wish was more famous, the Gemara in Masechet Berachot (55a) teaches: כל המאריך בתפלתו ומעיין בה סוף בא לידי כאב לב – if a person prolongs his tefillah and he "looks into it," then he will suffer heartache.  Rashi explains this to mean that if a person prays for a long time with the expectation that his lengthy prayers assure that his wishes will be granted, he is setting himself up for terrible disappointment, because there is never any guarantee that one's tefillot will be answered.

 

The Gemara then makes an even more dramatic statement, listing עיון תפילה– praying with the expectation that one's requests will be granted – among the things that cause Hashem to be especially mindful of a person's sins, making it less likely that his wishes will be granted.

 

Prayer is not about getting what we want, for a very simple reason – we don't really know what we want. 

 

We can easily imagine Queen Ester praying fervently day after day in Ahashverosh's palace that she should be sent back home to Mordechai.  If Hashem had granted her request, the Jews would not have been saved.  A person may pray fervently for a certain job, for a certain shidduch, for some outcome – but in reality that thing he prays for is not the best thing for him.  Only Hashem knows what is best for us, and so we have no reason to expect Him to grant us everything we ask for.

 

Prayer, then, is not about changing Hashem's mind – because we don't want Him to change His mind!  After all, He knows what we need far better than we ever will.  Rather, prayer is about changing us.  The experience of prayer, of standing before Hashem with a feeling of humble submission and complete dependency, recognizing our unworthiness and how much we need Him, profoundly impacts us.  And this process of growth which tefillah inspires is the reason why we pray.

 

This might be the meaning of the Mishnah in the second chapter of Pirkeh Avot that we learn this week.  Rabbi Shimon ben Netanel teaches:

 

הוי זהיר בקריאת שמע ובתפילה, וכשאתה מתפלל, אל תעש תפילתך קבע אלא רחמים ותחנונים לפני המקום ברוך הוא.

 

Be meticulous in the recitation of Shema and prayer; and when you pray, do not make your prayer a fixed, routine obligation, but rather [let it be] mercy and supplication before the Almighty.

 

Rabbi Shimon here perhaps addresses the problem we described – of people losing interest in prayer because their requests have not been granted.  He urges us to continue praying every day, regardless of our past disappointments – and to pray not mechanically, by rote, just to discharge our obligation, but with feeling and emotion, because this is precisely the function of tefillah, to arouse our feelings of humility, of submission, of dependency, of faith, and of connection to Hashem.

 

The Mishnah concludes, ואל תהי רשע בפני עצמך – one should not see himself as evil.  At first glance, this instruction has nothing to do with the rest of the Mishnah.  The explanation might be that if a person prays and does not see the results he wished for, he should not conclude that he is sinful, that Hashem does not care about him, or that Hashem think he's evil and undeserving.  This is not true at all.  Hashem has very valid reasons for doing what He does, for deciding to grant our wishes or to not grant our wishes.  It is not that we are unworthy of His kindness – it's that His kindness is not always manifest the way we expect it to, or the way we think we want it to.

 

Prayer is referred to as עבודה – "work," because it's exactly that – work.  It's about working on ourselves, working on our relationship with Hashem.  Prayer is not a vending machine, where we say words and then get what we want.  It's about investing effort to grow, to draw closer to Hashem, and to reinforce our belief that He – and only He – knows what is best for us. - Joey Haber

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